A Light Within the Darkness
by SeraphimK
Summary: Devi is walking home one night when she realizes she's being stalked. Soon after she finds herself in the home of no other than Johnny C... NnyDevi
1. Stalker in the Shadows

I've been wanting to write a Nny/Devi fic for some time now, but I just couldn't find the inspiration. Recently I finally found inspiration from an unexpected source when I was at school and jotted this ficlet down in my US History class. It was originally intended to be a one-shot, but by the end of class I had written what I thought would make a good first chapter for a fic and decided to extend it. I have a vague idea of how I want it to eventually end up, but I haven't worked out any of the details; I'll update this fic whenever inspiration hits me again.

I'm sorry the title sucks so much. I couldn't think of a good one.

As if I even have to say it, I do not own Johnny the Homicidal Maniac or any of its characters. I don't own any characters in this fic because there aren't any fan characters (ick).

---------------

Devi rounded a street corner, whistling a cheerful tune. It was rare that Devi ever whistled, but at the time, she was enjoying life more than she had in a very long time.

This was her favorite time of the day--the brink of night, just after sunset, when the pale moon was out but the stars still hidden. It was always so silent--so peaceful. The only sound Devi could hear was the sound of her shoes clicking on the pavement. Devi had decided to take a different route to return home from the 24/7. Usually she walked through the loud, crowded city, but she had decided to walk this way, through the dead part of the city. It was practically a ghost town.

The walk was longer, yes, but Devi didn't mind. In fact, she wondered why she had never come this way before. It was so much more pleasant than the city and the obnoxious people inhabiting it.

In one hand Devi held a can of mace, and in the other a Brainfreezy. She had acquired the Brainfreezy at the 24/7; the can of mace she had randomly selected from the stash of others in her backpack. She always carried one can of mace in her hand, ready for action, and a bag full of others just in case something should happen to the one in her hand. She reached reached behind herself and gave the bookbag on her back an affectionate pat. It gave her reassurance and a sense of security. For a while she had been afraid to set one foot outside her apartment door, but now she felt almost invincible, so long as she carried the twenty-odd cans of mace.

Devi continued to walk at the same leisurely pace. As her right foot stepped forward once more, she was stricken with sudden panic when it didn't find the ground right away. A second later it did find the ground, but the surface it landed on was uneven and gravely. Before she could look down, Devi was thrown off-balance and felt herself falling forward, the ground rushing up to meet her. Luckily, her left foot, still on level ground, balanced itself and she was able to catch herself before her trip became a fall.

Looking down, Devi found the reason for her near-fall: a fairly large, deep hole in the concrete, which she had stepped in.

At some point in her struggle to remain on her feet, Devi had released her grip on the can of mace and heard it hit the pavement with a clang. Now it was nowhere in sight. Devi considered leaving the can--she had others in her bag, after all. But it did cost money, something of which she didn't have much to spare. Cursing under her breath about the mild inconvenience the can of mace and the hole in the sidewalk had caused her, Devi stepped into the dark alley at her left, which she suspected the can had rolled into.

The alley was darker than Devi had thought it would be. Darkness engulfed her the moment she set foot in it and the only thing she could see all around her was black. She stretched out her arms to grope the brick wall for guidance. 'That mace has to be around here somewhere...'

The tip of Devi's foot tapped something and she heard the can begin to roll away. Knowing it was within her grasp, she came down on her knees, crawling forward, blindly searching for the can. She couldn't feel it, but she knew it was within her grasp, if only she had enough light to see it. She heard metal hit metal and knew that she was reaching the end of the alley. The can must have run into a dumpster. Devi sped up, wanting to get this whole ordeal over with.

At that moment, the streetlights flickered on. The alley was still dark, but just enough light filtered through for Devi to see the can of mace a foot away, resting against a dumpster. "You're more trouble than you're worth," she said to the inanimate object, already regretting her decision to chase after it.

Devi reached for the can. Her fingers were only inches away from it when something swooped down from the dumpster, blocking her vision and causing her to first gasp in surprise, then shriek in terror as she saw that the thing in front of her was an upside down face. Two bright white orbs with black pupils stared at her and the rest of the face was covered in shadow.

Devi sat up from her crawling position, ready to jump to her feet and run, but the person startled her again by swinging into an upright position on the dumpster, then jumping down from it and landing right in front of her. She fell back, her hands hit the pavement, and she stared up, motionless, propped up by her arms.

"Where were you?" the person towering above her asked.

Devi had no intention of answering (she wouldn't know how to respond, anyway); she intended only to stand up and run away. She pulled herself to her feet as the person repeated, this time violently, "Where were you?" Devi tried to run but the person, who she now knew was a man, clutched one of the straps of her bag and pulled her back.

"You were supposed to go by that little cafe two hours ago! I waited and waited, but you never came! You ALWAYS go that way!"

Devi managed to break away from the man. Knowing she couldn't escape, she decided instead to put up a fight. She reached behind her back and fumbled with the buckle that held her bag shut. Before she could open it, the man swiftly pulled out two blades, seemingly out of nowhere, and in a flash Devi saw the glint of metal and knew the blades were rushing at her. In that moment, she was sure she was going to die.

But the blades never never touched her. They slashed her bookbag, creating a shower of tin cans that clattered all over the pavement. Without her can of mace or access to the others that had been in her bag, all of the reassurance and security Devi had felt before dissolved, leaving her feeling vulnerable and defenseless.

"Every day..." the man began, now holding Devi's wrists in a tight grip. "Every day, every hour, every minute--a torrent of pain and misery, unfathomable depths of horrors and nightmares. The black, all-consuming darkness..." Devi struggled to break away, but his cold, bony fingers held her in a deathlike grip.

"...And one solitary light within the darkness. One refuge from this raging, Hellish reality. Just one glimpse! Is that so much to ask for? But you never came!"

Devi shivered as his words sunk in. 'A stalker... He's been stalking me.'

Devi looked into the eyes of her stalker. Still, the rest of his face was covered in shadow. But she knew the eyes, and she knew the voice. She knew this man's odd scent--musty. The way dust would smell, if dust had a smell, she imagined.

"...Johnny C...?" she said in a soft voice, barely above a whisper.

An emotion that Devi couldn't place flashed through the eyes before her when she spoke the name. The fingers around her wrists loosened their grip on her for only a split second, but that was long enough for Devi to break away. She acted quickly, tearing her hands away from his, and spun around to make her escape. However, in her hurry, she had forgotten about the cans that lay scattered across the pavement around her. As her foot came down on one of the cans, she felt herself falling once more, and this time she couldn't catch herself. Her knees hit the pavement with a thud, her head banged into the brick wall, and before she could recover from the pain in her head, it hit the pavement.

She lied on her back, struggling to keep her eyes open, but they were so heavy...

Her eye lids dropped lower and lower and everything looked blurry. Then, for a second, her vision focused and she was able to make out two glowing eyes above, looking down at her. Smokey gray clouds began to appear, each blocking part of her vision, until they were so dense that she could see nothing but blankets of darkness, and she fell into a deep sleep.

---------------

So, how is it so far? Does it suck as much as I think it does?

The unexpected source of inspiration I mentioned before is a guy who has been stalking me since the beginning of the school year. One morning before first period, he saw me and asked where I had come in that morning. I told him that I had entered from the B wing, like I always do. Apparently, he had been waiting there for me but never saw me. He seemed angry, as if he expected me to somehow know he was waiting for me, even though he never had before. The idea of a stalker getting mad at the "stalkee" for not showing up so he could stalk her seemed very hilarious and Johnny-like to me.

Please review. Pretty please? If no one reviews, I won't post any more of this fic because I don't see a point in that if no one reads it. I'll just keep it in my notebook.


	2. Internal Conflicts

Gah! I've waited almost two weeks to update! I never meant for it to be so long, but I've just been so busy. -is shamefaced-

I am aware of the many mistakes in chapter 1. I have made corrections, so feel free to read it again. I hate that you've all read the flawed version.

I would like to thank everyone for the awesome reviews. Here I go: thank you, thank you, THANK YOU! I love you all! I just hope I haven't lost any readers by waiting so long to update.

I wanna say just one more thing. This chapter will be pretty boring. Sorry for that, but I feel it's necessary to establish where Johnny and Devi are right now in terms of their feelings for each other and their states of mind. We can't see where they're going until we know where they are. Nny and Devi have a lot of obstacles to overcome before they can ever form any sort of relationship, and in this chapter I'm trying to show what those obstacles are.

---------------

Devi stirred, beginning to wake from her unconscious state. The heavy layers of darkness blocking her vision peeled away gradually and she was able to make out a few objects, but they were only blurry shapes. The imaginary barrier of fog between Devi and her surroundings cleared away and finally she could see clearly. She quickly closed her eyes--everything looked so _bright_. Devi noticed a ringing in her ears that she had not noticed before. When the ringing faded into a soft buzz and then to silence, she opened her eyes and let them adjust to the light.

The next thing Devi took notice of was the soft padding she was lying on. Looking down, she found that she was on a long, black sofa, covered with a dusty, gray blanket that didn't appear to have been used in months. Devi hadn't expected this. She might have expected to wake up in some sort of torture device, or maybe even dead--but not resting comfortably on a sofa.

Johnny's sofa.

Devi remembered the sofa. On the night of her date with Johnny, she had been perched on one end of it, and he on the other, with the length of the sofa between them. Somehow they had ended up only inches apart in the middle of the couch, sitting side by side... And then they had almost...

Devi cut that thought short. Memories of that night brought too much pain and confusion. She couldn't imagine how unbearable it would have been if they actually _had_ kissed; she was grateful that she hadn't lost a kiss to Johnny. She had lost enough to him as it was--even the courage to step outside her apartment door.

Thinking about her date with Johnny made Devi feel like a fool. She should have known that Nny was too good to be true. He was the only guy she had met that didn't just want to get in her pants or devour her brain. He was the only guy she could have a stimulating intellectual conversation with--the only person, for that matter, she could speak philosophically with. Of course there had to be a catch. And the catch was that... he was insane. Not to mention a murderer.

And he had tried to kill her.

When Devi met Nny, she had very nearly given up all hope of ever finding a decent guy. Nny was more than decent. He was like no one else she had ever known, except for in her fondest dreams. The shock of finding out that the Nny that she adored didn't exist, that he was not at all who she thought he was, devastated Devi. She would have been better off to have stayed in her initial depression; devoid of hope. To think that she had finally found what she had wanted more than anything, only to find out that it was an illusion, crushed her. Nny had lifted her hopes only to drop them.

Devi's thoughts were interrupted by the sound of approaching footsteps. Wooden floorboards creaked as the familiar thud of Johnny's heavy boots came closer and closer. Johnny's walk had a distinct sound, Devi recalled; she had always known when Nny had entered the book store before she saw him because she recognized the sound his boots made as they hit the floor and the rhythm of his footsteps.

_Why are all these memories coming back to me _now?

Once more Devi was jolted out of her thoughts. The metal knob on the door began to turn ever-so-slowly...

---------------

Johnny paced his bedroom floors, frequently running his fingers over his mostly bald head, which had formerly been home to a mess of unkempt black hair. He used to run his fingers through his hair when he was pondering something that greatly troubled him. At the moment he was greatly troubled, and it seemed that this habit of his couldn't be broken even by the absence of his hair.

Reverend Meat sat on a nearby dresser, silently observing, so it seemed to Johnny. Much to Nny's surprise, Meat hadn't spoken a word since he had come home with an unconscious Devi in his arms. He assumed that this silence was a prelude to the taunting he would have to endure later.

Nny continued to pace back and forth, wrapped up in his thoughts. Confusion and panic pulsed through his mind.

_What was I thinking?_

His actions had made evident his failure. He had vowed to obliterate all affection he felt for Devi and all other emotions he felt for anyone or anything. If he had succeeded, wouldn't he have abandoned Devi in that alley? Why would he have stalked her in the first place?

And now she was in his house, in his care, and he was obligated to tend to her. There was no escaping a confrontation and he knew that when he made contact with her, all the unwanted, suppressed emotions would come flooding back. Any progress he had made in his goal of desensitization would be lost.

Johnny recalled the last entry had written in his die-ary: "By the time I write in this book again, I hope to be as cold as the moon that lights this page."

He had set a similar goal for himself involving Devi. If, by chance, they ever crossed paths again, he had hoped to be devoid of any emotion for her, almost devoid even of recognition.

When they crossed paths again, it wasn't merely by chance. Johnny had stalked her. He had been stalking her for some time. He didn't know exactly how long; he never kept track of the time, and it was hard to judge time when he never slept. All days seemed to run together, prolonging the suffering resulting from living in this nightmarish reality; without sleep to separate the days, all the single days of misery became one endless day of Hell. No sleep... no refuge.

Except for one.

Devi was the only reminder of beauty he could see in this hideous reality. The only light with in the darkness. Even as he was determined to obliterate all of his emotions, he found that part of him was not willing to let go of Devi. Eventually he came to realize that if he let himself forget her, he would slip into nothingness, lost in the hopelessness that had been gnawing at him for as long as he could remember. He couldn't remember much; he had very few memories of what his life was like before he moved into his ramshackle house. But it seemed like he had been there for an eternity, and during that time the only happiness he had experienced, however brief it may have been, was because of Devi.

Johnny had allowed himself to "temporarily" satisfy his desire for Devi, his desire for a mere glimpse of her when she was unaware of his presence. Simply seeing Devi was enough for him. He continued admiring her from afar, convincing himself that if he did so, he would gradually lose interest in her and dependence on her, depending on nothing and no one, finally desensitized. This plan apparently hadn't worked; Nny's actions proved so. He was unable to leave Devi behind in the alley; therefore his feelings for her were as strong as ever. They hadn't faded as he had hoped they would.

Johnny growled in frustration. They were HIS feelings, HIS emotions. He should own them. They should leave at his will. How could he be a slave to what he owned?

Johnny stopped pacing and directed his attention to Reverend Meat, still in his spot on the dresser. He still hadn't spoken; he just sat, completely still, his eyes following Nny around the room without actually moving. They stared straight ahead, yet everywhere at once; they made Johnny think of those annoying pictures of people with gazes that are impossible to escape from. Meat's gaze particularly annoyed him because he imagined that behind the vacant stare, the eyes sparkled in amusement.

"Well? Don't you have anything to say?" Nny finally asked. Reverend Meat said nothing.

Nny's face hardened into a scowl and he strode threateningly over to the statue. Reverend Meat showed no sign of feeling intimidated. Johnny still imagined that Meat laughed at him silently. He picked Reverend Meat up and shook him violently.

"Speak! Speak, you vile, obese little statue guy thing! I know you want to! I can see it in your eyes. You're laughing at me."

Still no response. Johnny's eyes widened for a moment, then narrowed in a scowl. "Waiting for me to admit my defeat, are you? Fine--you win! You're right, I'm just a slave to my organics. Might as well give up. You may resume your ceaseless gloating now," he bluffed.

Johnny waited for a few seconds. When Reverend Meat didn't answer, Nny suddenly felt silly, as if he had been speaking to a lifeless object--which, in truth, Reverend Meat was--but he had once lived in Nny's mind as the personification of an aspect of himself. Now Meat seemed to be an ordinary Bub's Burger Boy statue.

Johnny felt his pupils shrink as realization dawned on him. "Oh no... no... NO!" He hurled the statue with all the force he could muster into the corner of the room, where it shattered into hundreds of tiny pieces, then stood in the center of the room with his fists clenched at his sides, panting.

"Meat," he began in a low voice. "I know you exist somewhere, in some form, so listen. This isn't over. You think it is no longer necessary for you to tempt me, that I've already lost in the fight against my... heh, myself," Johnny said, realizing that he actually was battling himself--his body. "But that girl lying on that couch out there means nothing. I may be weakened temporarily, but I haven't lost this yet. You'll see." Even as Johnny said this, he doubted himself. Part of his mind was in a state of panic, worrying that he may have sealed his doom.

Faint laughter played in Johnny's mind. Reverend Meat's voice spoke in a hoarse whisper. "This is the last thing I will say to you because after this there will be no need for me to resurface." Johnny scoffed. Meat ignored him and continued. "You like that girl, Nny. That is why you follow her; why you didn't leave her, unconscious, in that alley. You would do away with your attraction to her if you could, but you have to admit that that is partially motivated by your will to protect her from harm. In ridding yourself of your feelings for her, you are further proving that those feelings exist. You seek what is impossible to attain."

"Who are you to say what is and isn't possible?" Johnny demanded. "You've no right to tell me what I am or am not capable of, got that, Burger Boy? I'll decide that. Me! Not you, not anyone else! I listen to no one but ME!"

Johnny heard the same mocking laughter in his head. "Silly Nny," Meat's voice said. "I AM you."

Nny growled in anger and frustration, holding his head in his hands. "Just... shut up! Shut UP!" He knew there was a certain amount of truth to Meat's words and he didn't want to listen. Reverend Meat's words played over and over in his mind along with countless other thoughts, overwhelming him. His head throbbed from all the confusion and he was compelled to tug at his two horn-like strands of hair. He carried on for a few moments, shouting and continuing to tug at his hair to the point where he was in danger of becoming completely bald, until Reverend Meat's voice hissed, "Sssh! Listen."

Nny paused and heard movement in the room outside of his--the living room, where he had placed Devi.

"It would be rude to leave your guest waiting," Reverend Meat said when Johnny made no move towards the door.

"Let her wait. I'm not through with you." Johnny answered, though he knew that it was impossible to effectively threaten the disembodied voice. Meat laughed. "Always fighting yourself, Nny, even when you can't possibly win. How do you expect to fight something that doesn't take on a physical form?"

Johnny was uncomfortable with how much sense Reverend Meat was beginning to make. He began to argue, but Meat interrupted him. "I suggest that you tend to that girl before she tries to escape. She's in no condition to wander the streets at night." Nny's anger boiled, but not just because Reverend Meat was using his concern for Devi to manipulate him. Knowing that he cared for Devi in the first place angered him even more.

"Fine. We'll finish this later." He moved to walk to the door, but paused when Reverend Meat answered, "There won't be a later. My presence no longer serves a purpose."

"Then what are you waiting for? Go." Meat ignored him. "Never forget, Johnny... You are always a slave to something." Nny didn't bother to argue. He knew Meat had vanished for the time being.

_He'll be back. He'll have to come back when he realizes I haven't lost._

Nny walked over to the door and reached out a trembling hand to slowly, nervously, turn the knob.

---------------

Once again, I apologize for how boring this chapter was. Boring, but necessary nonetheless. I promise that future chapters won't be so dull. Next chapter you'll finally get what I know you want--some interaction between Nny and Devi. But don't expect any fluff just yet. Maybe a few little hints...

I would greatly appreciate reviews. Hugs to anyone who reviews!


	3. Conversation

Maaaan, I've been so busy lately, or else this chapter would have been poste/written much sooner. For a week all I did was work on a project.

Thank you soooooooooooooooooooooo much for your awesome reviews! You can't tell, but I'm hugging you all right now! Your reviews make me happier than I can put into words.

Okay, here's chapter 3, in which Johnny and Devi finally talk.

---------------

The door creaked as it opened slowly. _Almost hesitantly_, Devi thought. At first all she saw were the two bright white orbs, the same eyes she had seen in the alley a few hours (she estimated) before. The shadows covering the figure lifted away as the door opened and Devi could see half of Johnny's body. Then the door, half open, came to a stop. Two eyes peered at Devi from behind the door. All she could do was stare back at them silently.

Johnny found that he was unable to open the door any further, though he did not know why. Perhaps he felt protected behind it, silly as that seemed.

_How ironic that_ I _should be afraid of_ her.

Devi shifted uncomfortably and glanced away from Johnny's gaze. Johnny cursed himself for being such a coward.

_I've let this silence go on for too long. I have to say something..._

But what could he say to _her? _After all that had happened in the past few hours--not to mention in the more distant past--what was he supposed to say?

"...Hi."

_Hi? HI? Of all the things I could have said... HI? Smooth one, Nny._

Johnny could have banged his head against the wall for having said something so stupid, but instead he opened the door the rest of the way and stepped into the room. Devi said nothing. She just stared at him with those piercing green eyes of hers, making his heart skip a beat.

_Focus. You're trying to rid yourself of your feelings for her, not bask in her beauty._

Johnny took a few steps closer to Devi, cuddled on the sofa with a blanket.

For the first time in a long time, Devi took a good look at Johnny. He had changed since last she saw him. Where his full head of hair had been were now two strands of black hair that stuck straight out from his head in a horn-like fashion. If possible, the circles around his eyes were even darker and he actually may have been slightly skinnier. He wore a black trench coat and the same black boots.

Johnny broke the silence.

"How's your head?"

"It's bleeding."

"Oh... yeah." Johnny rubbed the back of his neck, feeling guilty for not bandaging the wound sooner. "Sorry... I don't have any bandages, and... Well, I suppose I could have found a cloth or something. I can go get one now, if you want me to."

"No, I'm fine."

The room was heavy with silence once more, neither of them knowing what to say. Devi kept her eyes down, fiddling with her hands. Johnny took that moment to study her. Her hair was different--it was a violet purple color and pulled into two pony tails sitting high on her head. He had noticed before that she had changed, but this was the first time he had seen her up close since the night of the date.

Johnny banished thoughts of that night from his head, deciding that it would be in his best interest--and Devi's--if he forgot about that night altogether. Then he took it upon himself again to break the awkward silence.

"You look different," he said.

"So do you," Devi replied.

Johnny was caught off-guard by that response. He looked away and self-consciously ran a hand over his head, remembering that when Devi had known him he'd had all of his hair. He knew that he wasn't much to look at even then, but now he must look ridiculous, he thought.

Devi lifted the blanket that covered the lower half of her body and sat upright on the sofa, placing her feet on the floor.

"So you've been following me?" She asked, though the answer was obvious.

"Yes," Johnny admitted. "But I had no intention of hurting you, Devi. I want you to know that."

"You pulled knives on me again," Devi said, once more catching Nny off-guard.

"I'm sorry. I... I lost control back there. But I never intended to use those knives on you. Just your bag. You didn't expect me to let you wield a can of mace?"

Devi suddenly felt foolish for thinking that such a simple thing as a can of mace could protect her from any and all harm.

"I suppose not. Stupid for me to think that I and my can of mace stood a chance against you, anyway."

"You were able to defend yourself before without the use of weapons of any sort, if I remember correctly."

"You were stalking me." Devi changed the subject, not wishing to discuss that night with Nny.

"I confess, I have been... following you for some time. I'm not sure how long, what with the lack of sleep and all... I just wanted to see you, that's all. I wouldn't allow myself to do anything more than that, but I wanted just to see you."

"So much for 'obliterating all your affection and interest for me.' "

"Heh... Yeah... So much for that."

Another awkward silence. Devi decided to break this one.

"Back there, you mentioned a cafe. You've been waiting for me there every day?"

"Yeah. You walk by there every day, usually. Not the one across the sreet from that dance place... That one, uh, blew up."

Devi cocked an eyebrow. "I don't suppose you had anything to do with that?"

Johnny was silent for a second before saying, "We're getting off-topic." Devi smirked knowingly but said nothing.

Johnny took a few steps and sat down on the couch beside Devi. Trying to hide the panic she felt with Nny so close to her, Devi fiddled with her hands again, rubbing away the moist blood on her fingers.

"Allow me." Johnny pulled a fingerless glove off of his right hand. Then he took Devi's hand in his own and proceeded to wipe away the blood. This sudden physical contact startled them both; Johnny had acted before he had known what he was doing or Devi could stop him.

"Th... thanks," Devi managed to stutter. She hated to admit it, but the chills running down her spine as a result of Nny's hands on hers weren't the unpleasant kind of chills she would have expected. The feeling of his fingers around her hand was... nice.

_What's wrong with me? This guy... He isn't the Johnny I love--loved. That guy was never real. He wouldn't have tried to kill me._

Johnny was about to let go of Devi's hand when he noticed scars on the palm. "What's this?" he asked, tracing a finger along the scar. He scolded himself as he did so, knowing that the part of him that kept acting before thinking was enjoying this.

"Oh, that. Nothing, really. I cut my hand pretty badly on a broken jar of paint."

Johnny could tell that there was something more that Devi wasn't telling him, but he didn't pry.

"Listen, Devi..." He wasn't sure exactly how to say what he wanted to say. He wouldn't be surprised if Devi declined the offer he was about to make; in fact, he would be surprised if she accepted it.

"I feel bad about what happened. It's partly--mostly, probably--my fault that you hit your head. If I hadn't been following you... I'm sorry, really. But you know I can't just let you leave. I want to make sure you're... okay. Do you think you could stay for the night?"

Devi almost laughed out loud. He expected her to stay the night at HIS house when he had tried to KILL her? Hah!

"Thanks, but no thanks. I'm just smart enough to know that it's not wise to spend the night at the house of a person who tried to kill me once."

Johnny sighed. "I hope, then, that you'll at least let me drive you home. You're in no condition to wander the streets alone at night." Johnny almost didn't notice that his words were the same that Reverend Meat had spoken earlier.

"How 'bout _I_ drive?"

"Fair enough, if you don't mind being seen driving a grey piece of junk."

Devi rose to stand up but never quite made it to the standing position. A searing pain rushed to her head, causing her hand to instinctively reach up to touch her wound. She gasped faintly. Johnny caught her in case she should fall and helped her ease back into a sitting position on the couch. Her hand remained on her head and she wore a pained expression.

"Devi?"

"I'm fine."

"Don't look so fine to me." He looked down at her worriedly. She didn't meet his gaze; her eyes were shut tight and her teeth were clenched.

"I'll go get another blanket for you. And a makeshift bandage."

Devi actually didn't protest. She knew that there would be no talking Johnny out of it and she was afraid that if she tried, he may turn violent. She would stay there for the night, but she wouldn't sleep. If she got the chance, she might even escape late in the night.

_I just won't sleep... Problem solved._

---------------

Johnny rummaged around in the cabinets in his bathroom. There had to be something he could use for a bandage... His eyes fell on a handkerchief that had belonged to one of his victims. It would have to do. He began walking back to the living room, handkerchief and blanket in hand, calling, "All I could find was this handkerchief. It hasn't been used..." he trailed off as he entered the room. Devi was sound asleep on the couch, breathing softly, head cradled in her arm. The image filled Johnny with a pleasant feeling, something he had never felt before and couldn't place. He had seen angels in Heaven and they weren't nearly as angelic as Devi was, sleeping soundly on his sofa. His expression softened and he continued to gaze at Devi, his head tilted slightly to one side, a small smile on his face. Did he dare...?

Johnny slowly and silently walked over to Devi and stood over her for a few seconds. If he kissed her, one soft peck on the cheek, she would never know. She wouldn't have to know. He leaned down, closer and closer, until he could hear her softly inhaling and exhaling through her parted lips. Just one quick kiss on the cheek...

Suddenly self-aware, Johnny drew back, horrified by what he had almost done. For a moment he had forgotten everything--he had almost succumbed to his desires. He was revolted even more by the fact that he had come so close to violating Devi. He knew that a kiss on the cheek was generally considered harmless, but he also knew that Devi would not have wished it. And was going to do it without her approval.

Johnny walked to the door and, with one last look at Devi, turned off the light and shut the door behind him.

---------------

So, how'd you like it? No fluff just yet, but it's coming. I can't tell you when though, because I have no more of an idea than you. I really don't know where I'm going with this fic... Hope it doesn't show in my writing.

Oh, one more thing--95 hits to this fic! OMG! Even if you're not reviewing, thank you for taking the time to read this fic. Your reviews would be much appreciated, though.


	4. Beginning to Understand

Ack! I had no idea that I had disabled anonymous reviews! Sorry about that; I've fixed it now. Anonymous reviews are more than welcome.

I finally own/have read Squee. Stupid comic book store took forever to order it. I bought the Book of Unspeakable Horrors because they didn't have the separate issues. It ended with Squee seeing Johnny waving at him. Is that REALLY the end, or does that book not contain the whole storyline? Seems to me like an odd place to end it, so I'm wondering if that's really the end. Someone please tell me.

Now I just need to get my hands on issue 2 of I Feel Sick... (There are only 2 issues, right?)

When we see Johnny in "Squee," his hair has somewhat grown back. I wasn't aware of this when I started writing this fic because I hadn't read Squee yet. That's why I describe him as still having those two horn-like sprigs of hair (they're so adorable, aren't they?).

---------------

Johnny searched his kitchen cabinets for anything that could pass for a half-decent breakfast. Most of the cabinets contained nothing but dust and cob webs. Nny didn't eat much and when he did, he wasn't picky. His diet consisted mainly of Spaghettios, Ramen noodles, and Brainfreezies.

_I hope Devi likes bagels. But then again, who doesn't?_

Nny separated the halves of the bagel and put them in the toaster.

_Curses. I'm out of cream cheese._

Johnny hated to bother Squee again we he had asked a favor of him the previous night, but he had no choice.

_You can't give your guest a bagel and no cream cheese. It's just not done._

---------------

Upon waking, Devi's first thought was "Whuh...? Crap, I must have fallen asleep." Then, "...and he didn't kill me. Didn't even harm me." Devi inspected herself just to make sure Nny hadn't laid a hand on her as she slept. She found no signs of harm, but the wound on her head had been bandaged (with a real bandage). This confused Devi--he hadn't harmed her, but he had gone to trouble to acquire a bandage so that he could nurse her wound.

_This is the guy who tried to kill me?_

---------------

Johnny entered the living room holding a plate of bagels and a glass of orange juice. Devi didn't notice him right away; she was standing near a corner, looking curiously at random objects in the room-- first the doughboys, who were pinned to the wall, and then the small framed picture of Nail Bunny.

"I hope you like bagels," Johnny said, making his presence known. Devi turned her head and looked at Johnny, standing in the doorway with a plate and a glass of juice in his hands. He looked so meek, like a little boy happily sharing milk and cookies with his playmates. He looked... adorable.

_How can a murderer look so innocent?_

"Only if you have cream cheese, " Devi answered, walking over to the couch and taking a seat. Nny handed her a small silver box of cream cheese. "Courtesy of Squee, as is the bandage on your head."

"Squee?"

"Well, that's what I call him. His name is Todd. He lives next door. Nice kid..." Johnny trailed off awkwardly. Being so antisocial, he wasn't much of a conversationalist and this small talk made him feel uncomfortable. He prayed that a strained silence wouldn't follow his sentence--there had been enough of those last night. "...Mmyep... A really nice kid..."

_What the heck am I supposed to say? Some comment on the weather? No... Ugh, hate these social situations..._

"So, um... Any exhibits lately?"

"No, I've been having a severe case of artist's block for a while now."

"Oh. Well... I did a Happy Noodle Boy comic the other day..."

Devi gritted her teeth in frustration as Johnny rambled on and on about nothing in particular.

How can he go on like that? What's he trying to pull? He freaking STALKED me, after he tried to KILL me, and he's acting like nothing ever happened, just like that.

Devi tuned herself back in to what Johnny was saying. Something about how he had overcooked his Spaghettios and tried to feed them to a stray cat. She gripped the glass of orange juice in her hand more tightly with each passing second. It might have shattered from the pressure, but when Devi couldn't take it anymore, she slammed the glass onto the coffee table in front of her. Some of the juice splattered onto the table and floor.

Johnny, startled by the loud clatter, snapped his head in Devi's direction, wide-eyed. She glared up at him from her place on the couch.

"What? Don't give me that look!" Devi snapped.

"What look?"

"Like I have no reason to be upset. My GOSH, you were STALKING me, Nny. And before that, you tried to kill me! Last night, you pulled knives on me for the second time! And you're acting like nothing ever happened!"

"Hey, I said I was sorry! And I already told you that I wasn't going to use those knives on you!"

Devi stood up and stormed over to where her coat lay on the other end of the sofa, then began putting it on.

"What are you doing?" Nny asked.

"I'm leaving, genius."

"Oh no you're not!"

"I DARE you to tell me what I am or am not doing." Devi's eye's narrowed viciously and she walked past Johnny, but he caught her arm and pulled her back. Devi spun around, wide eyes flashing furiously. "Let GO of me! Let me GO!"

"I can't let you go, Devi!" Both paused for a moment at those familiar words. Nny hadn't meant to repeat the words he had spoken on the night of their date; it just slipped out. Both regained their composure and Johnny continued, "You wanna talk about it? Fine, we'll talk about it. Just sit down and--"

Devi, fully aware that Johnny still had not released her, swiftly seized the glass of juice from the table before Johnny could stop her and brought it forcefully down on his head. Shards of glass fell to the floor as Johnny cried out in surprise.

Freed from Nny's grip, Devi was able to think clearly once more and realized what she had done. "Oh... Oh, my gosh! Johnny? Johnny, are you all right? Are you okay? I didn't mean to, I swear!..."

"Yeah... You just accidentally broke a glass over my head. That sort of thing happens all the time."

"I see your sarcasm hasn't been affected. You're okay, then?"

Johnny held his head in his hands and groaned softly. "A few minor cuts, but besides that, I'm okay."

"Oh, gosh, Nny, I'm sorry, really. I just..."

"...Lost control."

"Yeah."

"It's okay. Hey, I deserved it."

Devi gave Nny a weak smile and he smiled back. For a second, they felt a connection so strong that neither knew what to say. Each wondered if the other felt the same.

Devi's weak smile spread to a wider grin. _I think I'm finally beginning to understand him..._

---------------

Hysterical, almost insane laughter filled the room as Devi recounted true stories of past dates-gone-wrong. She and Nny had been laughing for... Well, neither knew how long. For hours, probably, they had made idle conversation on the sofa in Nny's living room.

"...And then... then... He starts sucking the brain out of the guy's head... and... HAHAHAHA!" Devi couldn't hold back the laughter. Tears rolled down her cheeks and Johnny's as the sidesplitting laughter continued. After a few moments, they finally caught their breath. A minute of silence followed in which both thankfully breathed in sweet air. Devi interrupted the silence.

"You're not looking at me like I'm crazy."

Johnny gave Devi a curious look. "Why would I do that?"

"You... believe me? That's a first. No one else believes me when I tell them about my date with the brain-eating zombie. Even though it did, truly, happen."

Johnny stared into empty space with a far-off look in his eyes. "I'll believe anything these days. Believe me, with all the things I've seen and done, I have no right to question anyone else's sanity." He realized that he was going off on a tangent and quickly said, "I know, I'm crazy. I'm sure you can't relate to what I'm saying at all."

"Actually," Devi said, "I can."

Another silence followed. The silences between them had become more relaxed. They were slipping back into their old ways, simply comfortable in each other's company. The past few hours had been just like any old day at the book store, where they used to chat every day as Devi worked.

Nny let out a sigh. Devi shifted her gaze to him and the sight caught her breath. His hands were folded behind his head, which rested on the back of the couch. His legs were stretched out straight in front of him, his eyes closed. Moonlight poured in from a nearby window and cast silver light over his face. His raven hair, hanging over his face, gleamed in the moonlight. He looked so peaceful. Devi wanted to reach out a hand and gently brush that strand of hair out of his eyes...

As if sensing Devi staring him, Johnny opened his eyes. "Is something wrong?"

"Hmm?...Oh--" Devi snapped out of her daze. "Yeah, I'm--I mean, no, I--I'm fine." Devi blushed furiously, but she didn't know why.

Johnny gave Devi a strange look, raising one eyebrow, but didn't question her further.

_What was that all about?_ Devi asked herself. _I don't know what's coming over me..._

There was another silence in which Devi and Johnny both wondered about Devi's strange behavior.

_The way she was looking at me... And why was she blushing?_

Out of nowhere came the simple statement "This is nice," spoken by Devi.

"What's nice?"

"You know..._ this_. Just talking about anything and everything, the way we used to when I worked at the bookstore."

Silence. Then, "The stars are beautiful tonight."

"Yes. Beautiful," Devi agreed.

_Wait a minute... Stars!_

Devi sprung up from her seat. "Stars! Oh my gosh!"

Johnny's eyes widened, alarmed. "What's wrong?"

Devi quickly donned her coat. "I lost track of time. We must have been talking for hours. I'm sorry, but I must me going now."

_Who would've known that time could fly by so quickly when you're talking to a homicidal maniac?_

"It's okay. I understand." The pain in Nny's voice was evident, but Devi was in too much of a hurry to notice.

_This is the worst part. The part where I have to let go._

Nny stood and offered to walk Devi to the door. He offered to drive her home, but she refused; she said she'd walk home and enjoy the night sky.

The two reached the door. "So... I guess this is it," Nny said, aware of how cliche it sounded. He didn't care. He was hurting too much to care.

"Yeah," Devi said, unsure of what else to say.

"After this, we probably won't see each other again."

"Probably not."

Both looked down at their feet. Devi wondered why this was so hard.

_I can't be attached to him now..._

"Good-bye, Nny."

"Bye... Devi." Johnny knew why those words were hard to say and scolded himself.

_Forget her._

As Devi stepped out into the cool night air, she wondered why the dull ache in her heart wouldn't subside.

---------------

Tell me what you thought about this chapter. I think it's crap. Oh, wait--I think that about every chapter. Anyway, please review. I turned 17 on the 19th and a review would be the best belated birthday gift EVAH.

I like bagels.

That is all.


	5. In Denial

Almost a month since my last update! Agh! I'm sorry. I've been busy as crap lately, and you know how busy crap is. Projects, more projects, tests, midterms. And I've been on Christmas break for a while, but every time I sit at the computer and try to type out a chapter, nothing comes out. Arg.

I've made some minor changes to chapter 4. I typed it late one school night and I was rushing to get to bed at a decent hour, so as a result that chapter had some spelling mistakes and was lacking in quality. I changed some dialogue that I thought sounded a bit awkward and I think it's better now.

Does anyone agree that it doesn't feel like Christmas at all? Not that it's been a bad Christmas. I got ZIM pillowcases and sheets. You envy me, no?

In chapter 4, Devi is obviously falling for Nny all over again but she's not consciously aware. Nny is consciously aware of his feelings for Devi, but refuses to give in to them. Just thought I'd clear that up before moving on.

---------------

Deep hues of blue and purple stained Devi's canvas. She didn't know exactly what she was painting; she never did. She found that she produced her best work when she painted spontaneously.

She picked up a smaller brush and began streaking the canvas with thin black lines that she hoped would take on a form when she was done. After a few seconds the lines began to resemble a face, but she was not pleased. That angular jaw line, the dark eyes, the mess of blue-black hair...

Devi let out a cry of frustration and stabbed the canvas with the blunt end of her brush. With one swift movement of her arm, she slashed the canvas, then continued to do so until it was ripped all over and all that remained were tattered flaps hanging from the easel.

"Okay Devi, _some_thing is up."

Devi turned to see Tenna sitting on her couch as if she had been there for hours.

"When did you get here?"

"I've been here for ten minutes. You know, you really should be more observant. You make it too easy to spy on you."

Devi was disturbed by the thought that Johnny could have likely done the same thing and she never would have noticed. She shook off that thought for the moment.

"Any particular reason you snuck into my apartment at ten o'clock at night to observe me?"

"Yes. You haven't answered your phone or left your apartment in days."

"That's nothing new."

"I know, but when you disappeared for a whole day it was a pretty big hint that something weird was going on."

Devi sighed in defeat. She had hoped that she could play it off like nothing out of the ordinary had happened, but she knew there was no hope for that now. Tenna always won, partly because she was unbelievably persistent and partly because Devi was easily irritated.

"Where were you the other day, anyway?"

"I don't know where to start, Tenna."

"You can start with why you just ripped your canvas to shreds."

Devi sighed again, running a hand through her hair, which she hadn't bothered to pull up into ponytails that morning.

"I've been doing this for days." She paced back and forth as she always did when she vented to Tenna about anything that had been bothering her.

"I start painting, making random strokes with my brush, like I always do. I never know what I'm painting until I'm done. But lately, all I can paint is _him_. No matter how determined I am to draw something else, anything else, the results are the same."

Devi collapsed onto an armchair and stared up at the ceiling with wide, sleep-deprived eyes. "I think I'm losing my mind."

Tenna, sitting on the nearby sofa and absently squeezing Spooky in one hand, didn't seem convinced.

"You always think you're losing your mind. When you stop worrying that you've lost your mind_, then_ I'll believe you've lost your mind."

"You don't think that what I just told you is weird at all?"

"Weird, yes. But weird doesn't necessarily equal crazy. Take me, for example. I'm weird, but I'm quite sane. Right, Spooky?" She gave the little toy a squeeze and it squeaked in response.

"Thanks, Tenna. That's very comforting."

Tenna seemed oblivious to the sarcasm, wearing a giant smile and giving an enthusiastic thumbs-up. "No problem. Now that we've established that you're not insane, would you mind divulging to me your mysterious whereabouts on the night in question?"

Devi now sat upright in the armchair with her knees to her chin and her arms wrapped tightly around them. "Let's just say I had an unwelcome encounter with an old friend and ended up being knocked unconscious and dragged to his house."

"Ah, the homicidal guy. Yet here I am talking to you and, as far as I can tell, you're not dead."

"I know... that's what's so weird. He dragged my unconscious body to his house, bandaged my wounded head, let me stay there for the night, made me breakfast that morning, and made no attempts on my life. He says he's sorry for trying to kill me."

"Did it ever cross your mind that maybe he's telling the truth?"

"Please, Tenna. I'm not naive." But Devi couldn't completely shrug off what Tenna had said, though she knew it was absurd to think that Johnny actually was sorry. "...Well... He did seem really nice. Just as nice as he seemed before he tried to kill me." Devi felt as though she might cry from confusion, but she didn't. "I talked to him for hours. I didn't even realize what I was doing. I've never been able to laugh at old memories like that... All the disastrous dates. It's painful for me to think about how many times my attempts at finding a nice guy have failed. But with him, I was able to laugh hysterically as I recalled..." Devi trailed off and hung her head over the arm of the chair. Her legs dangled from the other arm and she stared at the ceiling again.

"You still haven't figured it out? It's so obvious, Devi."

Devi's head jerked up. "What are you talking about? What's obvious?"

Tenna laughed. "You still have feelings for him."

Devi sprung out of her chair and flailed her arms furiously as she shouted at Tenna. "WHAT? He tried to KILL ME! How can I POSSIBLY have feelings for him after that? I'd have to be utterly STUPID!"

"Mmhmm. You're getting defensive. My suspicions are confirmed."

"Stop it! Stop that! You don't know what you're talking about! I do NOT love Johnny C.!"

"Maybe not consciously. But admit it, there's something there. And the same probably goes for him, too."

Fuming, Devi marched out of the room to get her coat. She told herself that she was leaving so she wouldn't have to tolerate Tenna's ridiculous accusations, but deep down she knew that Tenna was right and she needed to sort things out in her mind.

_The night air will do me some good._

---------------

_Dear Die-ary, _

_I am beginning to question how much I truly desire to become an unfeeling creature. How can I find the motivation to accomplish that when my desire for her distracts me? I can't rid myself of these feelings for her, however much I may be disgusted by them. I am further disgusted by my weakness, my inability to control those feelings. Perhaps I've been approaching this entirely the wrong way. Maybe the key lies not in controlling my feelings, but in how I react to them. I now face the fact that I can't desensitize myself, but I can resist whatever my feelings tempt me to do. When you think about it, that shows a great deal more strength than absence of feeling does. _

_I abandoned hope of finding contentment long ago. I've ruled it out as a possibility for me, so I should be done with it. But since I saw her again, I can't help but wonder if there's still a glimmer of hope. If just maybe there's a chance for me to find lasting happiness. Ridiculous, I know, but I can't banish the thought. Like Mr. Samsa, it resurfaces every time I think I've killed it, nagging at me. You know the feeling you get when you give up because you're certain there's no chance for you, but even so, part of you worries that you're missing out on something you could have had?_

_But I digress. The full moon is out tonight and I should be admiring it, not burying my face in this book. _

_Johnny C._

---------------

Honestly, I don't know how I'm going to get these two to overcome the obstacles that prevent them from "getting together." They're both stubborn. I keep trying to think of the one thing that would convince them to give it a second chance... I think that, maybe, if Nny still desires contentment but has ruled it out as a possibility for himself (as he told Devi in issue 7), I can somehow get him to believe that there IS a chance of happiness for him. That, of course, would be Devi. The really big problem is that I don't know what would convince Devi to trust Nny again. She'd be stupid to blindly trust him again, and she's not stupid. I have to find a really good reason for her to give him a second chance. Any ideas, anyone?

Reviews would be the best Christmas presents ever.

Happy holidays! (see, I'm politically correct)


	6. What If?

People, people, people! I updated!

I'm really busy this semester. With English and Creative Writing, I've been writing a lot of papers, fan fiction not included. : ( But I promise, this fic has been on my mind constantly. I just haven't had time to write another chapter.

I feel like I'm starting to spit out chapters just to be updating, with little or no purpose behind each chapter. Meh. Tell me what you think. In the past few chapters, has anything important at all been established? Is this fic making any sort of progression in character or plot development? This fic has a pretty weak plot and a whole lot of focus on the characters. Hopefully that makes up for the crappy plot at least a little.

I've submitted some JTHM fanart to DeviantArt, if anyone is interested. If you keep checking my gallery, you migtht find an illustration to go along with this fic one of these days. My username there is SeraphimKiss88.

---------------

Only the moon and stars had the power to make Johnny marvel at beauty. Well, that, and...

_Stop that._

Johnny shook thoughts of Devi out of his mind, then continued to gaze at the night sky, lying back on the front of his car. Lights dotted the city below him and if he listened closely, the occasional sound of a car horn or screeching tires rose up to his car, perched on the edge of an overlook. Johnny couldn't help but think of how easy it would be to simply drive over the edge. Or, better yet, to jump. He had abandoned contemplation of suicide when Psycho Doughboy left, but he found that such musings were impossible to rid himself of.

Johnny stretched out his legs and closed his eyes, relaxing.

A familiar scene flashed, without warning, through his mind.

_"The stars are beautiful."_

_Devi sat on the hood of Nny's car, gazing dreamily at the sky._

_"Yes," Nny agreed. "It's an amazing illusion."_

Johnny's eyes shot open. He thought he had he had succeeded, at least for the moment, in vanquishing thoughts of Devi, but as always, she forced her way back into his mind.

_Of course. I was only setting myself up for this by coming here... where I took her that night._

Another scene flashed through Nny's mind, this one more recent, having taken place the previous night.

_'Hey,' came a hoarse whisper. Johnny tapped on Squee's bedroom window. 'Squeegee! Open up.'_

_The pint-sized little boy slid out of his bed, shuffled to the window and, with a heave that must have required his tiny arms much effort, lifted the window._

_'Hey, Squee.' _

_The boy didn't reply, but stared up at Nny with wide-eyed innocence and a hint of fear._

_'Oh, don't worry, I'm not gonna tell you a bedtime story tonight. I just came for.. um... love advice, I guess. I figure even a little kid has had more experience in that department than I have--at least in my memory, which doesn't go back very far...'_

_'I don't t think I know much about that.'_

_'Haven't you ever liked a girl before? Some cute little girl at school?'_

_'Not really.'_

_'Oh. Well then, let's say, hypothetically, you liked this girl and she liked you too, and then you tried to kill her and she got away, and since then you've been regretting it and hating yourself, thinking about her constantly, and then you decide to force yourself to stop caring about her but you can't stop thinking about her, and then you start stalking her and knock her unconscious in an alley one night and drag her home... Are you following me?"_

_The perplexed look on Squee's face answered his question._

_'Ah... Nevermind. Sorry for bothering you with my problems; I'm sure you have enough crap without me dumping mine on you.' Nny turned to leave, but Squee called out, _

_'Why don't you just tell her you're sorry?'_

_Nny smiled at the naivety of children. 'Believe me, I've tried. It's more complicated than that.'_

_'Then why don't you _show_ her you're sorry?'_

_'How, exactly, would one do that?'_

_Squee shrugged. 'I dunno. You'd just have to think of something.'_

_'You know, that's a good idea. But it's not exactly the kind of advice I was looking for. See, I'm not trying to win her back or anything. Quite the contrary. I'm trying to resist my feelings for her. I've already tried to destroy my them, but that doesn't work.'_

_'Don't you want to be happy?'_

_'What?'_

_'If she liked you again, wouldn't that make you happy?'_

_Nny laughed. 'Happiness. Such an alluring fantasy, but impossible to attain.'_

_'But what if it weren't?'_

_Johnny's inner child had asked him similar 'what if' questions constantly lately, but he dismissed them. Now that they had been echoed by a real child, they nagged at his mind even more fiercely than before._

_After a pause, Johnny replied, 'It just is. It is for me.'_

Now the question tugged at Nny's mind again.

"Happiness isn't an option for me."

_But what if it is?_

_What if..._

---------------

Devi wasn't sure of where she was going until she arrived there: a grassy overlook at the edge of the city, the place Nny had shown her once before. It would have been a good place to clear her mind, had it not filled her with memories of the very person who clouded her thoughts in the first place. Still, she continued her walk to the edge of the overlook--until she discovered that her spot wasn't vacant. It was occupied by a familiar gray car.

"Nny."

_What are the odds? _

---------------

So, what'd you think? I'm gonna repeat what I said before:

In the past few chapters, has anything important at all been established? Is this fic making any sort of progression in character or plot development?

I hope I at least make it appear that I know where I'm going with this.

Review, please! Thanks for hanging in there even though I neglect this fic sometimes.


	7. Happiness

I have come back from the dead... to bring you the last chapter of the fic! (outraged gasp "You mean she made us wait TWO YEARS for the LAST chapter!?") Yes, this is the end of the story. I don't think I could have postponed the finale any longer, as sorry as I am to bring you just one chapter after making you wait so unjustly for so long. :-/ But, it's not like you guys actually care _that_ much about my humble little story.

Allow me to attempt to explain myself. I know it sounds lame, but for the past two years I've had writer's block. I think the main reason is that, shortly after posting chapter 6, I realized that I didn't exactly _want_ Johnny and Devi to get together. As much as I like toying with the idea and reading the fanfics, I'm a true cynic when it comes to romance. So how could I ruin the one romance that caters to my cynical view? I overcame this by opting for a sort of bittersweet ending (those are the best kind anyway, right? But no worries; you won't be disappointed--the first draft was actually sickeningly fluffy, as a result of listening to "Good Enough" by Evanescence repeatedly while writing it).

I'm still unsatisfied with this chapter. I would probably still be agonizing over it, but I hoped to get the chapter posted before 2-17, which would mark two years since my last update (OO). It is currently 3:58 AM as I type, so it's technically 2-17 already. But I consider my goal reached anyway.

I dedicate this fic to all the people whose random reviews, after long periods of no reviews, motivated (or threatened) me to get off my butt and write this chapter.

Disclaimer: I know this may come as a shock, but I still do not own JTHM. With luck, Slave Labor and Jhonen Vasquez might eventually lose interest and casually hand over ownership. We shall see.

---------------

Devi considered turning back. Every logical part of her brain warned her that it was bad idea to venture near the edge of a cliff in the company of a mass murderer. Yet this was not the lone voice of reason; an intuitive sense assured her that Johnny would not harm her, and Devi had come to trust this sense above all others. After all, she was an artist.

As she treaded silently toward Johnny's car, she became gradually aware of soft murmurs which, as she drew closer, became just loud enough for her to make out a few scattered words. She hesitated, scanning the area for the third person she had apparently overlooked. She only saw Johnny sitting on the front of his car.

She paused, shivering, when she realized that Johnny was talking to _himself_. No, not himself... One of _them_.

She shoved her cold hands into her coat pockets and, once more, approached Nny's car.

"...happiness..." She heard him mutter among several other indistinguishable words. But he sounded far from happy.

Suddenly, the murmurs ceased. Devi paused, startled by the unsettling silence now surrounding her.

Johnny tensed, as if sensing her presence. Devi was not frightened, but felt the instinctive alarm that accompanies intruding on something intensely private.

Johnny slid his hands into his pants pockets, fingering the cold blades concealed within them. Meat's voice was now silent; everything was silent. He slid quietly off his car, keeping his fingers wrapped around the handles of his blades. He wasn't in the mood for killing, but he wasn't in the mood for less-than-pleasant company either. At the very least, he could scare the person off.

He vanished into the shadows, then crouched behind his car, looking through the windows for his unwanted visitor. There: a tall figure wearing a long coat, near the opposite side of his car.

He crept up behind the figure, and was just behind it when it turned to leave. He reflexively drew out his blades, flashing them inches away from the face before him. That face! His eyes widened.

Devi gasped and stumbled backwards.

"Devi?" He dropped the knives and stepped forward. He was relieved when Devi did not back away from him, though her face was a shade too pale.

"I'm sorry... I didn't know it was..."

"It's okay. I didn't mean to... interrupt."

Nny blinked. He wasn't so alarmed by what she might have overheard as he was with what appeared to be a knowing look on Devi's face.

"No, it's... okay," he managed, studying Devi intently, much to her discomfort.

Devi knew what Nny suspected, so she was grateful when he dropped his gaze, gesturing to his car.

"Join me?" he asked politely.

There was a slight discomfort between them as each thought of how unlikely this scenario was. Devi took her place on the roof of the car, as she had before; Johnny resumed his position on the front of the car, resting his feet on the fender.

They sat in silence, waiting for the uneasiness to pass. Eventually, the atmosphere became relaxed enough for Nny to lay back comfortably, letting his left arm hang limply over the side of the car. The scene was still strikingly familiar, but Devi felt comfortable enough to speak.

"I didn't expect to find you here," she said. Nny opened his eyes. "But I think... I think I knew you'd be here."

His face did not contort into a look of confusion at her contradictory statement. She knew he understood.

He furrowed his brow, as if forming his response carefully. Then he answered slowly, "I come here when I need to clear my mind. But it always makes me think of you, if only briefly."

His face remained calm but for one small line between his eyebrows. Devi realized he was nervously anticipating her reaction, so she said, hoping to reassure him, "That's funny. I came here for the same reason, and this place had the same effect on me."

The crease on his forehead disappeared, and his eyebrows raised slightly in surprise. But soon his face was calm once more, almost expressionless. Devi noticed that he now wore a faint smile, and she, too, smiled briefly.

"It seems I can't come into contact with you without acting like a homicidal maniac," he said, half joking and half apologetic.

Devi laughed softly. "Well, I'm not dead, or missing any limbs. Looks like you're beginning to master the art of self control." Her tone, too, was half joking. Nny detected the sincerity, however, and twisted around to make eye contact as he replied, "thank you" with such gratitude in his eyes and voice that Devi was startled. He maintained the eye contact for a moment before lying down again.

"The voices are gone now." Johnny stated this after a moment of silence, knowing he did not need to explain. "The one you heard me talking to... He's new. The ones that wanted me to kill are gone. And this one--even it hardly speaks anymore. It says it doesn't need to anymore. Because of you." He was still looking at the sky, but he could somehow feel Devi blink in response.

"Because of me?... What does the voice want you to do?"

Another moment of silence. Then Johnny answered, "To feel." It was a vague answer, he knew. But he heard Devi shift, confirming that she had understood.

"What does yours tell you?"

Devi sighed in defeat, feeling almost ashamed for thinking she could hide Sickness from Nny.

"Nothing, anymore." She noticed Nny's slight nod; he had expected that answer. He closed his eyes and appeared more relaxed, as if he had only needed the confirmation to ease his concern.

"You're stronger... smarter than I was." Devi was reminded of how close she had come to becoming Johnny, how easy it was to fall into the trap, and could not help but feel remorse for his downfall.

"It wanted my ability to create. It wanted my brain." She paused, adding as an afterthought, "I must have an exceptional brain, seeing as it's almost been eaten by a zombie _and_ taken over by a possessed dolly painting."

Nny smiled. "I never thought of it that way. Kind of flattering, actually." But there was a sadness in his eyes, a wistful expression. He was imagining how exceptional his own mind might have once been, Devi realized. She had seen enough of his intellect to know that before his perception had been warped, his mind truly was an exceptional one. Hints of it surfaced now and then, only to be later twisted into something paranoid and delusional.

She continued to stare at Nny, whose sad eyes reflected the stars. As before, she felt compelled to brush that strand of blue-black hair from his face. Perhaps it was because of her increasing empathy for Johnny that she did not stop herself this time.

Johnny felt the soft fingertips lightly brush across his face, startling him out of his reverie. He did not move, but his eyes looked up at Devi's. She was leaning forward, resting her head on the hand that had brushed against him, staring back at him with a weak smile.

Johnny closed his eyes and took a deep breath, his face still tingling. It had been so long since he had touched or been touched... Longer still since he had not cringed at a touch. And he had forgotten how it felt to be touched by Devi... Devi: the touch of soft skin, a feather across his back, all these things and more... His only connection to everything.

He opened his eyes. Devi was no longer looking at him, but gazing thoughtfully at the stars. Still nearly paralyzed by her touch, all he could do was weakly place a hand on her leg. He meant to remove it immediately, only brushing it against her leg affectionately. But it remained there, resting on her leg. Devi did not move or tense, so he let the hand remain there. He closed his eyes, feeling dizzy from all the sensations pulsing through him, replacing the numbness he had grown accustomed to. He realized that he did not want to lose the one thing that made him feel.

Devi looked down at Nny, holding her breath. He looked so content, resting his head near her feet. Content, yet broken. And all the more beautiful for his brokenness.

In a moment of insight, Devi was reminded of her fascination for all things damaged or broken; her fascination for an object as simple as a broken vase, more beautiful than an intact vase filled with flowers. She loved the mystery, silent sadness, and the hints of former glory visible only to those who looked beyond the surface. Her attraction to Johnny was no different. She loved his brokenness, his beautiful sadness; loved him for those moments when the remnants of his brilliant mind shone through, giving her a taste of him as he was when he was whole. It was not the naive sort of attraction to a broken man that so many women fall victim to, wishing to "fix" the object of their affections. It was a fascination with all the complexities that accompanied his broken state. A desire to listen to the whispered stories of the shattered pieces.

Johnny's hand, still resting against her leg, stroked her skin absently. He looked as if he might have fallen asleep, or was he in a state of bliss? Devi couldn't tell which, but the possibility of the latter made her sigh contentedly. She now understood and accepted her feelings, and her inhibitions had died along with her denial.

Either way, Devi thought, Nny was fulfilling a long-neglected need--sleep or happiness. Her gaze fell on the dark circles around Johnny's eyes, then to the soft rise and fall of his chest, then to his hand upon her leg. She watched the long, slender fingers as they barely moved across her skin, feeling the pleasant chills run through her leg. This show of affection, from most any other man, would be lustful and nauseatingly flirtatious. From Nny, it was innocent and purely for its own sake, without the intent of leading to anything more.

Devi slid down from her seat atop the car to sit next to Johnny. His hand slid from her leg and he sat up, opening his eyes as if waking from a daze. His cheeks pinkened.

"I have something to tell you," Devi began. Johnny immediately gave her his full attention. "The voice told me, once, that it found me when I met you."

She paused to let this startling information process, but Johnny's look of horror upon hearing this told her that he instantly understood. He opened his mouth to apologize profusely, but Devi took his hand in hers to silence him.

"No, Nny. I'm... glad." She drew in a deep breath at this. Johnny was not the only one who took this as a surprise. Devi, after giving herself time to absorb this new realization, continued slowly, as if the thoughts and words came simultaneously, "I'm glad... because if it had never happened, I never would have understood. I never would have... forgiven you."

Johnny found it impossible to breathe. Devi's hand still held his; her surprised eyes still stared into his, locking his gaze. Here was his chance at happiness. Here was more than he would have ever had the audacity to ask for: forgiveness.

His heart raced at the increase of his ever-awareness of the fleeting quality of this sort of golden moment. He knew he could not grasp it, so he squeezed Devi's hand instead.

He forced his mouth to open and form coherent words. "I would never ask that much of you." Realizing how tightly he gripped Devi's hand, he loosened his fingers. "But if you offer forgiveness, I gladly accept it." Swallowing, he continued, "But please accept my apology first." His voice wavered and his eyes glistened. "I'm so sorry..." His head dropped, his eyes closed. "I never asked to be broken."

Devi felt the tears soak through her shirt as Nny rested his head on her shoulder, weeping. She wrapped an arm around him and leaned down to say soothingly in his ear, "No one does, Nny. I didn't either."

Johnny raised his head. "You didn't let them get that far," he said, a hint of admiration in his voice.

Devi nodded. "They came close." She shuddered. Johnny wrapped his arms around her, half comfortingly and half protectively as he imagined the vile things attacking her.

"If I had been in a weaker state when I encountered them--like you were..." her voice trailed off.

Johnny shuddered this time, repulsed by the idea of Devi degenerating into something as distorted as himself.

"I have nothing of worth to give you," he said. "But I would like to give you my company, if you would have it. And I... would like yours. It's hardly an even exchange, I know--"

Devi's lips brushed against his, silencing him. His thoughts ceased; only disbelief remained, swirling dizzily in his mind. He brushed his lips lightly against hers, confirming that the moment was real. They picked up where they had left off so long ago, sealing the kiss that had been so rudely interrupted. The waiting and the obstacles that they had toiled through in order to achieve this moment made it all the more sweeter; made them savor it for the precious moment it was.

They gently pulled away, sighing softly. Devi, smiling, brushed away the sprig of hair that had once more fallen across Nny's face. "You know I don't need you. I don't need anyone, can't have anyone. I couldn't change that, even if I wanted to."

"Of course." Nny was well aware. He admired her independence, wishing he could be the strong individual she was.

"But it would be nice to have you around."

"Kind of like a cat," Nny said jokingly.

Devi smiled briefly, then resumed her serious expression. "I'll always be alone, Nny. I know you understand that."

"I know," he said. "Me too. But we can both be alone, together."

They smiled, a smile that was bittersweet but not in the least unhappy. This was the best either of them could hope for: to accompany each other in their eternal isolation.

"Devi?"

"Yes?"

"I'm happy... You've made me happy."

---------------

I tried for an ending that wasn't too fluffy, since I don't think fluff works for these characters. Hence all the "I don't really need you, I'll always be alone" blather. I hope it was believable.

I know I waited a ridiculously long time to write this chapter, so you just might be able to guilt me into writing an epilogue if it would please you. Just know, I don't do sequels, so don't even ask.

I would like to clarify that Devi's love for Johnny is not _only_ because he's "broken" (she liked him before she knew he was insane, didn't she?). It's just my way of explaining why she still loves him, even after knowing how screwed up he is. I don't think Devi is suited for the monotony of a normal relationship, anyway.

Even though the corny broken vase methaphor makes me cringe, I like that paragraph because I think it explains every fan's love for Nny. Basically, we love him because he's so freaking messed up. xD

I made a lot of references to the comics in this chapter (ex.: "the touch of soft skin, a feather across his back" echoes Reverend Meat's words, but I used it in reference to Devi instead). And the last line is something that Nny says in issue two, right before they almost kiss. (I hope that's not a corny line to end with, by the way).

Your detailed thoughts on the ending would be LOVED! Please leave a long review! And remember, I might be persuaded into writing an epilogue if enough people want it.

Oh, and I will eventually change the title of this fic. I've always hated it. I just don't want to change it until everyone has had time to read the last chapter; don't want to confuse anyone.

My DeviantART username is SeraphimKiss88. I plan on drawing an illustration(s) for my fic sometime, if you care to check it out. :)

sniffle So I guess this is it. But expect more fanfics from me in the future.


End file.
